I am sure that TW is going to get quite upset for me posting this, but it is equally helpful to her that others learn from our mistakes, and that she is able to learn from their lessons as well.
TW and I have been married for a few months now, and our relationship has actually gotten harder and tougher to hold together the longer we have been in it. We have been together for ~5 years.
Not so surprisingly, it is just as much my fault as hers, however, our experiences do shed light that others can use to navigate troubled waters, perhaps.
There is a common misconception when people hear of DD, Ds, or any PE lifestyle, and that is that the power lies with the HoH, the Dominant, the Top.
The truth to this is that the power is more the submissives than the Dominant figures. For a DD relationship to be successful, there must be respect, and it need be mutual. If the submissive does not respect the Dominant, then she will never submit or surrender. (More on this later). If the Dominant does not respect the submissive, then he cannot grow, which makes him incapable of helping her grow. (A relationship is about continuous growth, between both parties, after all).
TW and I have struggled for many years (and it gets worse continually), not because I cannot handle her, but ultimately, because she is not trusting me in her surrender. Now this brings up an interesting counter-theory. Can’t I just make her surrender? Isn’t that the best approach? Well, thats a mixed answer. In our case, her failure to surrender is both of our faults. I was continually lacking in consistency, which caused her to lose respect and trust. She was continually disrespectful, and due to her manic (bipolar, manic tendency), she tends to be very negative as well.
In a situation like ours, the path to redemption is a long one, but one that finds its roots in the very foundations of a relationship, a strong marriage, and DD itself. We do not trust each other. Does that mean that all is lost? Not at all. It means that we must learn to trust one another, a journey that takes time.
When you feel that trust is gone, how do you go about re-establishing it? More in the next post….